By Barbara Pierce
Dear Casey: I’m writing this to you, my grandson, on your 19th birthday. It isn’t easy, transitioning from a boy to a man as you’re doing. I’m sure it’s very difficult. But it’s such a critical time in your life.
My wish for you is that you learn to be a “good” man, not a “real” man.
You haven’t had good male role models. Your biological dad failed you in every way. He wasn’t a good man. He failed by being mostly absent from your life as you grew up. When he came around, it was to blame you for his substance addiction. You are not to blame, not in the slightest.
Your stepdad has been in your life since you were a baby. Yes, he works regularly; he’s responsible. And that’s important. But he hasn’t really offered you the model of a good man. He’s not in touch with his feelings and he’s not comfortable when others express their feelings. He is fearful of showing his vulnerabilities.
Your grandpa, your dad’s dad, has been important to you; he’s been involved with you, caring about you, all your life. And he’s a good man; he’s taught you some of the many things you need to know about becoming a man. He’s able to show his vulnerabilities.
To fill the gaps for you, here are some of the things I’d like you to know as I believe they are important for every young man to know and live by in becoming a man.
You’ve always been helpful and thoughtful of others. You’ve reached out to help others. This is so important and I am so proud of you for continuing to have this characteristic as you become a young man.
Likewise, be open to asking for help and accepting help when you need it. It’s not necessary — it’s really not even OK — to try to “tough it out,” or “suck it up.” Doing that only leads to problems.
Don’t be fooled by the examples of men that are prominent on social media. They promote the idea that men must be dominant, aggressively taking what they want and obsessed with winning. This is total garbage. Please don’t fall for it. This is unhealthy for any man to try to follow.
Don’t avoid your feelings; be OK with your feelings and be OK talking about them to people you trust.
You have a girlfriend that you feel strongly about. Stay loyal to her, respect her and her feelings. Encourage her to develop her potential as you develop yours.
Do not get hooked on porn, which is so easily accessible on your phone. It will ruin you for real sex in real life. Absolutely do not watch porn.
Work at something you love; keep searching until you find the right fit for you.
Having a purpose in life is so important; we all need a purpose. For some lucky people, it’s connected to their employment. If you jump out of bed in the morning, excited about what your workday will bring, then it’s likely your career is closely tied to your purpose. You’ll be fortunate.
If you don’t find purpose in your job, find it in things outside of work. Because, your purpose is what makes you happy! It’s what puts sizzle in your life, what you love to do. It makes you feel like who you are in the world matters. It benefits something or someone that you care about.
In short, a sense of purpose is very strongly associated with mental and physical well-being — and that’s why it is core to most scientific definitions of what it means to be happy in life. It’s that big.
When things don’t go the way you want them to, learn from the experience. See these obstacles as ‘challenges,’ not ‘problems.” Learn from them so you don’t repeat the same challenges.
Continue to learn new things throughout your life. Learn from the experiences of others.
You’re still good friends with a couple of your friends from high school. Keep involved with these friends as you develop new friendships. Male and female friendships are critically important to us all.
Men need friends for their mental and physical well-being, providing support, companionship and a sense of belonging. Strong friendships help you get through stressful times.
You’re close to your mom and your sister. This is great. Continue seeing them as women you can trust, continue to respect them and their opinions and feelings.
Honor your word. When you make a commitment, honor that commitment. This is critically important to succeed in the world.
Finally, be true to your values; be true to who you are, to yourself. Being true to yourself means living in agreement with your own values, beliefs and desires, instead of conforming to external pressures or expectations.