By Barbara Pierce
I’ve been around this life a good many years.
I’ve learned a lot about love, relationships, people and how to stay relatively sane and optimistic.
I’ve lived with husbands, partners and alone.
I loved my career; I worked as an administrator in a large nonprofit organization, then became a psychotherapist, learning much from my clients. I’ve continued to be involved with many things after I retired, leading workshops, groups, writing, volunteering. I’ve lived in many cities, towns, even on a boat in Mexico. I’ve been fortunate to have many wonderful women as friends.
Here are some of the things I’ve learned that made my life happy and fulfilled. See if any have worked for you.
• Do something you love, something you’re passionate about. Our passions bring sizzle to our lives. If you love your career as I did, you’re fortunate. If there’s any way you can make a living by following your passion, find a way. If not, discover something you’re passionate about and follow it furiously outside of your work.
It’s all about having a purpose in life, something that makes you want to get out of bed in the morning and get going. Your passion, your purpose — however you think of it — is both an inner urge and what you’re skilled at. It will change over time.
Your purpose is based on doing what you love. Usually what you love to do is also what you do best.
Discovering your purpose may be something you need to look within and unlock. Listen to your heart. Your purpose will be something that you’re good at and that you care deeply about.
• Take risks based on what you have to gain, not what you have to lose. If you win, you’ll be happy; if you lose, you’ll have learned something. I’ve pushed myself to step out of my comfort zone often, taking risks, sometimes making mistakes.
Research has found that we tend to focus more on what might go wrong — what we might lose or sacrifice by taking a risk — than what might go right. We often misjudge and over-estimate the likelihood of a wrong outcome occurring. Yet the reality is that the risk of something not working out is often not nearly as high as we estimate and the odds of it working out well are often far better.
• Seek out adventures. Adventures are the spice of life! “Everything will kill you so choose something fun!” said a poster on my wall. “Never stop exploring!” said another. Adventures make us feel more fully awake, alive and free. They give us the excitement of exploration, discovery and surprise.
• Tough and maybe even tragic things will happen to you. You don’t get a choice of what happens to you. But you do get a choice on how you respond. Viewing the tough things that happen to you as challenges rather than problems helps. A challenge is something to be solved, to be overcome, like an obstacle, a bump in the road. A problem is difficult to deal with, a wall in the road.
When dealing with something terrible, you must take one small step at a time, learning with each step. You must believe in yourself and your ability to get to the other side. You endure maybe just for one day at a time or even one hour at a time. You endure because you hope that things will be better tomorrow. And sometimes they are.
• Make new friends, but keep the old. The most valuable thing you can do to stay healthy and happy is connecting with others. Research has found that meaningful social connections play a huge role in our physical and emotional well-being. It’s been proven that stable, healthy friendships are crucial for our well-being. I remember fondly the many women who have helped me on my journey through life.
One of my regrets is that I haven’t maintained these friendships. One of us moved and the contacts became less and less frequent. Or I got involved with a new man and let my friend fall away for him. I lost a lot by letting that happen. It’s hard to make new friends, but I’ve done it time and time again because I believe it’s so essential.
Developing and maintaining a good friendship does take effort. It’s definitely worth that effort. Remember that friendships don’t grow without work. When you meet someone intriguing; be bold and suggest a next step, like coffee or lunch. A simple overture can go a long way. You never know where it could lead. Many of us hit a wall here. I certainly do. But if you don’t take action, you won’t form any new relationships.
That’s what worked for me. I’d love to hear what’s worked for you!
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.