“Don’t you ever, ever throw anything of mine out!” my friend Dee hissed at her husband, pounding her fist on the table to emphasize how angry she was.
“But you had at least six leftover dinners in the refrigerator, they were growing mold; it was disgusting. You keep bringing them home and never eat them,” her husband offered in his defense.
Turning to me, he explained: “Dee’s been diagnosed with hoarding disorder. She hates to throw anything away.”
A few days later, I was to see just how bad that was.
We lived in a senior living community. I frequently ate lunch and dinner with Dee and her husband.
A few days later, as we were finishing lunch, a friend stopped by to say: “Stop by my apartment. I’m moving in with my daughter and I’m giving away the stuff I can’t take with me.”
Dee and I went to her apartment. Dee quickly grabbed a lamp, a huge brightly colored afghan, and an armful of unappealing tchotchkes. “I’ll help you carry these to your apartment,” I offered. I’d never been in their apartment and was curious to see it.
As soon as we walked through the door, I was stunned. Flabbergasted, speechless. There was a path from the door to the living room, with bookcases, shelves, etc. overflowing with stuff on either side of the small path. Same with the living room. Every surface was covered with stuff. There was no place to sit. It was atrocious!
“Oh, here. I’ll just put this stuff on the counter,” said Dee as she pilled the afghan, lamp and tchotchkes on top of several layers of stuff already on the kitchen counter. Sea shells, paper constructions she had created, pictures of her kids as children, sweaters, sandwiches, soda cans. The new stuff went on top of all that.
So this what a hoarder’s home looks like, I thought to myself. I can’t take it; I’ve got to get out of here! I can’t even breathe, there’s so much stuff all over. And it looks like mostly junk, nothing worth keeping.
Dee always looks attractive, with her auburn hair, sparkling brown eyes and attractive colorful stylish clothing. I never would have guessed what was behind her apartment door.
I didn’t know much about this diagnosis of hoarder. I set out to learn more.
I learned it’s a recognized mental health condition marked by persistent difficulty discarding possessions, leading to excessive accumulation that clutters living spaces, causes significant distress and impairs daily functioning, often involving saving useless items and feeling an intense emotional connection to them, requiring professional help for management.
According to MayoClinic.org, hoarding disorder is an ongoing difficulty throwing away or parting with possessions because you believe that you need to save them. You may experience distress at the thought of getting rid of the items. You gradually keep or gather a huge number of items, regardless of their actual value.
Yes, that sounds like Dee.
It’s an official DSM diagnosis. The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders is a handbook used by healthcare professionals as the authoritative guide for diagnosing mental disorders.
Hoarding is a separate condition from simply being messy or collecting items, which typically does not interfere with daily life.
It’s not a matter of laziness or lack of willpower and often requires professional help.
It’s not clear what causes hoarding disorder. Genetics, brain function and stressful life events are being studied as possible causes. People hoard for various reasons, which often involve emotional attachments or belief that an item may be useful or valuable in the future. Some feel a sense of safety when surrounded by their belongings. Also, it can be the result of difficulty making decisions, such as what to keep, where to put items away.
Hoarding ranges from mild to severe. People with hoarding disorder may not see it as a problem, so getting them to take part in treatment can be challenging.
Treatment of hoarding disorder focuses on managing symptoms through tailored cognitive-behavioral therapy, which addresses acquiring, saving and organizing behaviors. In-home coaching, motivational interviewing to boost change and sometimes antidepressant medication is used to help victims reduce clutter, improve decision-making and manage associated anxiety or depression.
Often those with hoarding disorder have anxiety or depression; Dee has told me she’s been diagnosed with depression.
As attached as she is to her piles of junk, I don’t see her making any improvement. Her husband has just learned to live with it; he doesn’t fight it. I think it’s been a long-standing behavior for her. I’ve tried gently mentioning a few things that might help; my gentle suggestions have hit a brick wall.
Wish I had a happy ending to this story, but it’s a tough one to get a happy ending from.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.