By Barbara Pierce
“I seem to be the one taking care of everyone — my daughter has serious heart problems, my brother can’t stand his alcoholic wife but can’t leave her, my husband just sits around all day and I have to do everything!”
That what Sue said in the women’s group that I lead, mostly composed of older women.
“I’m like that too,” agreed Pam. “I think our generation of women were raised that way!”
Most everyone in the group agreed with both of them. We seem to be the “givers.” And sometimes people take advantage of that.
We consistently put in a lot of effort, care and immediate availability to those important to us, but not much of it seems to be returned. It’s usually a one-way street.
As givers, we have to set limits, but because takers rarely do. Many people will take as much as we are willing to give. Boundaries act as the necessary stop signs. If we don’t use boundaries effectively, we’ll end up drained, resentful, frustrated and forgotten when we need someone most.
Givers need to set limits because takers rarely do. I’ve heard that there are two types of people — the givers and the takers. The takers seem to find us; they know who we are. Some people are just thoughtless.
Takers are often controlling people. Controlling people don’t respect boundaries, they have a problem hearing and accepting boundaries. ‘No’ is simply a challenge to them.
Boundaries help determine what is and is not OK in a relationship — relationships with friends, partners, co-workers, bosses or family members, anyone in our lives. It’s important to set healthy boundaries and state when something isn’t OK with you. It’s OK to say no. In fact, it’s important for your mental health.
“Through what we do and don’t do, through what we say and don’t say we teach people how to treat us.” That’s a good description, widely attributed to Dr. Phil McGraw. It emphasizes that the boundaries and behaviors you tolerate from others establish how they interact with you.
Setting boundaries isn’t easy, especially for us older women.
Boundaries in the physical world are easy to see: fences, walls, signs. It’s easy to know where my property ends and yours begins. Emotional boundaries are just as necessary, but impossible to see; this is an abstract concept.
Emotional boundaries are the invisible lines that define what is and isn’t acceptable in your relationships and daily interactions. Having boundaries doesn’t mean you’re pushing people away — it means you’re choosing to have relationships that are built on mutual respect, honesty and care.
It’s important to mention that boundaries are not walls. They’re not about isolation or shutting people out. Rather, they’re about building bridges to better relationships — creating space for safety, clarity and healthier interactions.
The most basic boundary word is ‘no.’ It’s OK to say no. Often it’s necessary. You don’t owe anyone an explanation for saying no. Don’t explain. Just say something simple like “I’m sorry, but I have to say no right now.” Or “I’d really like to, but I just can’t.” Use as few words as possible. The less you explain, the better.
Or leave yourself a way out. Start by saying “I don’t know. I’ll have to check my calendar.” Then, it’s easy to follow up with a “Thanks for asking me, but I do have something else I need to do at that time.” The something else can be reading a good book, taking a bubble bath or watching the latest episode of Matlock.
Your ability to say is the key to managing your boundaries effectively. You can practice being decisive and getting more comfortable over time in that decisiveness. For so many of us, we say yes or maybe when what we really want to say is no.
If you’re wondering where a boundary might need to be set, be guided by your emotions. If you’re feeling angry, annoyed or resentful toward someone, that could be a sign that one of your boundaries has been crossed. Or it could be that you actually don’t have a boundary in place and you need to have one there.
If someone doesn’t pay attention to a boundary you have set, don’t let it slip by. Small problems are always easier to manage than big problems. Don’t wait until it’s happened 20 times before you speak up.
Trust your intuition. It doesn’t lie. If you’re getting weird vibes about a person or a situation, pay attention.
Setting boundaries and saying no will feel difficult at first, the women in the group agreed. But, of course, like anything, you get better with practice.
Setting boundaries and communicating them isn’t selfish, it’s necessary. It does get easier, the more you practice it.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.