By Barbara Pierce
Relationships aren’t easy today. They’re complicated and confusing. Many of us are inept at relationships.
“Relationships aren’t that simple anymore,” said social media influencer, 30-year-old Ankush Bahuguna of Mumbai, India, online. “We’re not prepared. We’re not prepared for the sacrifices, for the compromises, for the unconditional love. We’re not ready to invest all that it takes to make a relationship work. We want everything easy. We’re quitters. All it takes is a single hurdle to make us crumble to our feet. We don’t let our love grow, we let go before time.”
Our lifestyles have drastically changed and so have our relationships. Our relationships don’t last; we give up rather than resolve a conflict or deal with the hurdles that will be there.
Part of the problem, maybe even the biggest part, is that we bring huge expectations to our romantic relationships. We expect our partners to be many things, including a best friend, lover, co-parent and more. We expect our partners to support us, share our opinions and values and be in a good mood all the time.
The problem with expectations is when they aren’t met, people feel disappointed, frustrated or angry. This is especially true if the expectations are as unrealistic as these definitely are.
Don’t expect each other to be enough. On a logical level, most of us understand that one person can’t meet all our needs. So why do we expect this from our partner?
Is that the answer? Just drop our expectations? No, there is more to the equation that makes a long-term relationship work with a spouse or partner in today’s world.
Cate Richardson-Henley, a psychotherapist in Oneonta, is an experienced psychotherapist, a licensed clinical social worker.
Richardson-Henley identified the characteristics that are needed to make a long-term relationship work:
• “Pay attention to what your partner is doing right,” said Richardson-Henley. “Notice and comment on these things. Make sure to pay attention to the small things.”
Focus on appreciating the strengths of your partner; accept their shortcomings. Accepting doesn’t mean being blind to the other’s shortcomings; it just means you stop fighting it. You work around it.
Letting others know what they’re doing right, what we appreciate about them, is powerful reinforcement. We’re all suckers for praise. We love to hear positive things about ourselves.
Praise and positive reinforcement are most effective for getting the other person to do what you want; not negative correction.
• “Communicate, communicate, communicate,” Richardson-Henley stressed. “When you’re discussing difficult issues, keep your voice low both in terms of decibels, loudness and in tone. Avoid yelling. When people hear yelling directed at them, they only hear that they are being yelled at; they don’t hear the words that are being said. Avoid swearing, as this will both escalate the person swearing and the person being sweared at.”
Reddit.com newgeneration38 described his issues: “Communication was a hard lesson my wife and I had to learn…We ended up having the same arguments over and over because we sucked at how to have quality, healthy communication. We’d both get defensive and angry.
“When we finally started going to a good couple’s counselor, we learned a lot about how to properly communicate with each other and now our relationship is better than ever. There are quite a few easy to learn tactics for communicating effectively; things like gentle start-ups and repeating the message back to the person in your own words.
“Communicating is a way for you to work with your partner on figuring out what the real issue is, discussing both partners’ perspectives on it (which are bound to be different) and working together to find an agreeable solution.”
• Have sex/intimacy, Richardson-Henley added. “If it’s been a while, just start with kissing or extended foreplay.” Sex in a monogamous relationship increases your level of commitment and emotional connection with the other person. Expressing love through sex increases the likelihood of couples staying together. It strengthens the bond between partners and increases their long-term relationship satisfaction. As a result, it’s positively associated with a lower divorce rate.
• Being committed: Deciding that you’re in it for the ‘long haul.’ Perhaps the biggest challenge in a relationship is drifting apart, not being committed to stick together. Being committed means you can both be who you are. When the obstacles come, when the tough times come, believing you will get through it and continue to be a couple. It means you hang in there.