By Barbara Pierce
No, I’m not going to admit to being a sex and love addict. Sorry if I’ve disappointed you!
Yes, I’ve been madly in love a few times in my life and have done embarrassingly stupid things as a result. And yes, it’s a great feeling. But I’ve never felt addicted to the feeling. And being madly in love never disrupted my daily life and well-being.
Is sex and love a real addiction?
It isn’t officially a mental health disorder, though many experts agree it can be a serious condition. It’s a compulsive preoccupation with romantic or sexual relationships that causes harm to one’s daily life, relationships, work or mental health.
This condition is causing controversy partly because of a book by author Elizabeth Gilbert. The book, “All the Way to the River,” is very different from “Eat, Pray, Love,” her best-seller of several years ago.
As I read “All the Way to the River,” I learned all about Gilbert and her self-described sex and love addiction. She explains her all-consuming turbulent affair with her best friend in candid detail, making us aware of all her self-destructive impulses. The book is also about going through a terminal illness with a loved one, as her partner dies of cancer.
Here’s how Gilbert describes it: “I have caused tremendous harm to myself and others through my decades of sex and love addiction. I have inserted myself into other people’s relationships and I have broken up families. I have hurt people whom I promised to cherish; I have crossed boundaries with friends; I have run away from people who cared about me and towards people who didn’t. … I have seduced people and discarded them, just as often as I have been seduced and discarded. I have treated my own body with terrible disrespect — and I have never been able to stop.
“From what I now understand, given the latest neurological research, people like me have nervous systems that don’t work quite right.”
“How did I get here?” she asked. “For who has never gotten lost, much to our own embarrassment. Who has not ended up in scenarios that are frightening, alienating, harmful and spirit–crushing? Who has not kept secrets or been betrayed or tried to control the behavior of others? Who has not longed for escape from suffering? And who has not reached for substances, people, behaviors or distractions that offer temporary respite from the built-in discomforts of existence itself?”
“My desperation to be loved is certainly outsized and it has caused me to act out in ways that are undeniably insane,” she admitted. “Sex has always been the fastest and most direct way for me to feel thoroughly chosen. What I’m really looking for in my romantic encounters is the love, attention, validation and approval that other humans can provide and without which I felt like I would quite literally die. I have spent my entire life searching for that magical person who will see me and save me. When my plan for salvation with one person didn’t work out (and it never worked out), I just went looking for it with someone else.”
Research confirms what she describes. Romantic love and sexual arousal trigger the brain’s dopamine-driven reward system — the same pathways activated by substances like drugs or alcohol. This means individuals can develop a tolerance to a “high” and experience withdrawal when the object of their affection is removed.
Experts say the signs of sex and love addiction can look a lot like other addictions.
Symptoms can include:
• Repeated unsuccessful attempts to cut back or stop.
• Neglecting responsibilities at work or in social life.
• Escalating behaviors to achieve the same level of excitement or satisfaction.
• Persistent craving or preoccupation.
• Emotional distress, guilt or shame after acting on compulsions.
“Not a lot of women out there will admit to being sex and love addicts, because it sounds pretty gnarly,” Gilbert said. “In fact, it is gnarly. My addiction is a sincere yet deeply misguided belief that somebody outside of myself will miraculously be able to heal me on the inside — thereby making me feel safe, cherished and whole at last. A desperate need to have my existence constantly authenticated through a partner’s touch, eye contact, reassurance, acts of love or physical presence.
“How much reassurance is enough for me to finally feel secure? There has never been enough, frankly. There can never be enough.”
Gilbert acknowledged that she had an issue that was destructive and began a 12-step program towards recovery — Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous, based on the Alcoholics Anonymous model.
When her book was published, she had been working the program and “sober” for five years. For her, sobriety requires celibacy. With time, sex and love addicts can learn to have healthy relationships, but Gilbert believes that she should continue to avoid sex and romance until God tells her it’s OK.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.