Many men are not able to name even one or two friends. They are stuck in what’s been dubbed a ‘friendship recession’
By Barbara Pierce
“I don’t have anyone I can ask to be my best man,” said 55-year-old Tom Bober of Port Charlotte Florida, concerned about his upcoming marriage ceremony.
“I know some guys I work with, but not well enough to ask them.”
Sadly, Bober is typical of so many men who are not able to name even one or two friends.
Making and keeping deep, meaningful friendships as an adult is hard, especially for men, according to research. Few men today have friends they can count on for emotional support.
Men in the U.S. are stuck in what’s been dubbed a friendship recession.
The falling off of friendships between men begins in early adulthood — ages 17 to 21, and grows bleaker in adulthood. Boys become emotionally disconnected from other males and it only gets worse as they age.
Our lives today make it difficult to make friends once you’re out of school. The default position for many is anonymity. The last decade has seen a steep drop in adult friendships and a huge increase in loneliness. Even before the COVID-19 pandemic, loneliness rates were increasing. COVID-19 made it much worse.
Research has shown that friendships protect our mental and physical health. As humans, we have a natural desire for close connections with others. We need these relationships to thrive as we get older. Meaningful social connections play a huge role in our physical and emotional well-being. The need for other people is hardwired into our brains.
Your partner isn’t enough. It may seem like a good solution, but it doesn’t work for either you or the woman in your life. It can strain a relationship, if you’re depending on her exclusively for emotional support or depending on her to develop friendships and get-togethers with others.
Both men and women need connections, of course, although their approach is usually different. Women’s friendships are often described as face-to-face, while men’s tend to be shoulder-to-shoulder. Men connect side by side spending time together, doing things together.
If you’re among the many who are in a friendship recession, know that there are many other guys out there in the same recession. Some things to consider:
See this as a learning opportunity. Take the first step. Men are more comfortable doing things together, so go somewhere there will be other men even if it’s just watching a sport on TV. Think about things you’re interested in, such as the gym, a coffee shop, basketball, woodworking, jazz, birdwatching. Then figure out where you can go to find people doing that thing.
If sports is your thing, dribble basketballs with the guys, perfect your swing with a baseball or play football at Accelerate Sports in Whitesboro. “You don’t have to be a member of a team,” said Anton Mullen. “Come in and register and we’ll get you placed on a team.”
For more information, see www.accelerate-sports.com or call 315-507-5560.
Or, take a weekend workshop on welding or forging botanicals at Munson Art in Utica. See www.Munson.art for details.
Sites like meetup.com are a way to connect with people you’ll have things in common with, and offer both in person or online meetings, if that feels an easier first step.
Make it a priority to get some friends in your life, not just for when you have time. Find an activity and commit to going to it. If you don’t like it, then either try a second time, or find another group doing similar things.
Volunteering is a great way to meet people. Pick a cause you like and see what’s available. If you’re a vet, consider the American Legion or other places vets hang out.
Show up. Repeated contact is important. If you have good vibes about the thing you’ve tried, show up regularly.
As we get older, “90% of friendship is about showing up,” says Karo, of the Man of the Year podcast. This can take a variety of forms. “It can be as simple as texting somebody and saying, ‘Hey, just checking in. I know you lost your job. Or I know you lost a family member. I know you’re going through a hard time,’” he said.
Spending time around other guys that are potential friends is crucial to building a friendship. “It starts with a slight eyebrow raise hello, then progresses to a head nod then to a ‘Sup?’ then we reach the fist bump. You are now a friend. Keep meeting and the fist bump gonna turn into a bro handshake followed by a mild insult which is countered with another insult or callback, The atmosphere is beautiful and both are happy. This can happen anywhere, from urinals to classes to parking lots etc.” is how one person describes how he makes friends in Utica.
So go on, men. Grab that basketball and run wild!