By Barbara Pierce
Chris Duffy isn’t going to sugarcoat it. Making friends as an adult is hard.
Duffy, author of “Let’s Hang Out: Making (and Keeping) Friends, Acquaintances and Other Nonromantic Relationships,” said “It’s mortifying. It requires being vulnerable and cringe-worthy and putting yourself out there.”
It’s harder to meet new people as an adult, when you no longer have shared high school classes or a college dorm room. Add in long work hours, a fear of rejection and lack of trust and it’s no wonder many people struggle to make new friends.
Yet despite these obstacles, investing time and energy into developing and growing friendships is definitely worth it. Friendships keep us mentally and physically healthy.
Strong friendships are a critical aspect of most people’s emotional well-being. Research indicates that close friendships are associated with greater happiness, self-esteem and sense of purpose.
Falling into friendships is not the natural process it was when we were children. It can be hard for many of us. But if you want a social life, you’ve got to make it happen for yourself. It’s a big mistake to passively wait for other people to befriend you. To make friends, assume you’ll have to put in all the effort.
First, you have to find some possible candidates. You have to put yourself in situations where there are a lot of potentials around, people who may be like you.
If you’re in school, have a job or you volunteer, you have an advantage; there may be many potential friends among the people you get to know through your day-to-day interactions.
Consider taking a class at SUNY or MVCC; many older students are enrolled. If you’re interested in art, many classes are offered throughout our area. Museums also offer classes.
We were especially impressed with the variety of classes offered at Utica Creative Reuse. “People absolutely do make friends here,” said CEO Sarah Swann. “I just had a crochet class and it is so lovely so see people in conversation, learning something new, having someone to talk to. One woman said: ‘I had such a stressful day; here it’s all washing away.’”
Swann founded Utica Creative Reuse a few years ago with the goal of establishing a space for artists of all ages, abilities and backgrounds to connect, create and inspire each other through the creative reuse of materials and classes. Fiber arts, mosaics, origami are some of the classes offered.
“We have a community of supportive people, who come to learn something new and to have fun,” she added. “People come back again and again. It’s a warm and inviting atmosphere, run by volunteers. We’ve just moved to a new building. People are excited; they’re coming in full force!”
Libraries have book clubs and lots of other activities that are a great way to make friends.
In your quest to make friends, Duffy suggests finding ways to regularly spend time at the same place, like a favorite cafe or the library down the street. “If you go to the same coffee shop every day, I guarantee you, you’ll probably get to know other people who go there,” he said. “If you find a place where there’s people you share interests with, and then you repeatedly cross paths with them, that’s how it works.”
Whatever your interests, there is probably a group of people with the same interests: historical societies, political groups, support groups for common ailments, people who dance, hike, play tennis, make jewelry, garden, opera, walking clubs. Just start looking. You’ll find them. Try several different groups until you find one with people like you.
Once you’re in a situation with a person you’d like to know better, strike up a conversation. You won’t connect with everyone, but you’ll find some you like. Share something about yourself, then give the other person a chance to share. Something easy, like how their day is going, where they’re from, do they have kids, are great conversation starters.
When you find someone you click with, invite them to do something with you. Something simple and not a lot of time involved for starters. Exchange phone numbers.
This is the most important step, say the experts. You can meet all the people you want, but if you don’t take any action to do something with them in the future, then you won’t form any new relationships.
Many people hit a wall here. There may be someone they like, but they won’t take the step of inviting them out and taking the relationship to the next level. While it’s scary at first, it is something you can get used to.
Once you’ve got some budding friendships, keep in touch, keep hanging out and let the relationship grow.
You’ll need to make ongoing efforts to maintain the friendship. Ask your friends out every once in a while.
And be patient; it does take a while. You will succeed.