By Barbara Pierce
“She goes to the casino to gamble; they let her run up a bill I have to pay,” my brother admitted to me about his wife.
“What would happen if you stopped paying?” I asked.
“Well, I do have to,” he said.
I forget how he rationalized it. He kept paying.
We weren’t close, but the calls were becoming more alarming. She had several minor car accidents driving drunk. He took the keys away; she always found them.
Another conversation with my brother: “She promises me if I go to the store and get her two beers she won’t ask for anymore. So I get her two beers, she drinks them, then gets very angry, so I have to go get her more.”
I couldn’t believe his naivete.
I guess my brother didn’t really accept the fact that his wife was an alcoholic — but what kind of an idiot falls for a heavy drinker who claims that two beers will satisfy her? But he kept getting more.
Of course, things got worse.
Not long ago, she was found dead in the home of a man with whom she’d gone home with from the casino.
As I helped my brother get through this tragedy, I learned more about the nightmare he’d been living in for years as her addictions led to increasingly dangerous behaviors. Dangerous for him as well as to her.
Perhaps I should have tried harder to get him to see the trap he was in. He’s stubborn and only trusts himself; over the years he’s only given me glimpses of what his life has been like because he knew I’d try to convince him to handle his relationship differently. He didn’t want my input.
He was in the trap of codependency.
Codependency describes one who enables their partner’s addiction by covering up their problems or shielding them from the consequences of their behavior. He certainly did that.
They’d been married many years. He needed her and feared he’d lose her if he didn’t give in to her. He couldn’t do life without her.
Psychologists would say he was in “denial.” Denied she was really addicted to alcoholic and gambling.
Denial is a necessary shock absorber; it protects us, helps us screen out devastating information. It’s an instinctive thing we do, to ward off the blows of life until we can cope with them.
“How can you tell you might be in a codependent relationship? You care more about somebody else’s well-being than they do and/or you believe that you cannot function without them and/or you believe they cannot function without you.” That’s how Elizabeth Gilbert defines it in her book “All the Way to the River,” where she describes her codependent relationship.
“Codependency means excessive emotional or psychological dependence upon another person — typically one who requires an unusual amount of support and attention,” she said. “A strategy of living that never, ever gives the needy person what they need.
“The codependent’s motto: You break it, we fix it!”
“The final destination of codependency: rage, emptiness, loneliness, despair,” she said.
To stop from the trap of this unhealthy pattern of behavior, shift your focus from your partner’s feelings and needs back to your own. Build your own independence by setting clear boundaries, spending time on separate hobbies and friendships, practicing honest communication without trying to fix or rescue your partner.
Define your limits. Practice saying no to requests that cross your limits. Let your partner solve their own problems. Consider working with a professional or joining a support group like Co-Dependents Anonymous.
I especially like this by Melody Beattie, from her book “The Language of Letting Go”:
“We can go forward with our life, even though someone we love is not yet recovering.
“Picture a bridge. On one side of the bridge, it’s cold and dark. We stood there in the cold, doubled over in pain. We didn’t know there was a bridge.
“Then, we got lucky. Our eyes opened. We saw the bridge. People told us what was on the other side: warmth, light and healing from our pain. We couldn’t imagine this, but we started the trek across the bridge anyway.
“The closer we got to the other side, the more we could see that what we had been promised was real. There was light, warmth, healing and love.
“But now, there’s a bridge between us and those on the other side. We cannot go back and drag them over with us. No one can be dragged across this bridge. Each person must go at his/her own choice, when the time is right.
“We can love them. But we cannot make them come over with us.
“I know it is my right to cross the bridge to a better life, even if I must leave others. I know that where I am now is a better place, where I’m meant to be.”
As for my brother, life is much better for him, living without the daily chaos of his wife. He misses many things about her but is OK on his own.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.