By Barbara Pierce
I’ve been grieving lately. I lost my partner—lost him to dementia.
The shell of the person he was lives on in a locked memory care unit. Yes, I’m not suffering as much as if he had died, but it’s still hard.
I’m alone.
Christmas and New Year’s will be difficult.
I’ve been going to a grief support group. I’ve gotten to know the others: There’s Bob, whose wife suddenly died after 63 years of marriage. She took care of the bills, the passwords — and him. He’s stumbling around crying much of the time and can’t even begin to think of how he’ll handle the holidays.
And there’s Sara. During COVID-19, she lost her 27-year-old daughter. A few months ago, her husband died. She cares for her disabled adult son who lives with her. The holidays will be filled with so many sad memories for her.
I’m reminded of my niece who came home from work to find her 47-year-old husband had killed himself. And my brother who lost his wife suddenly two years ago. My friend Mary Lou whose husband died after a long illness.
The holidays will be especially painful for them.
It will be difficult because the holidays are filled with traditions, memories and expectations of joy that sharply contrast with the current reality. There will be constant reminders of the deceased through decorations, music and gatherings. This can trigger intense sadness and grief. Additionally, the pressure to be happy during the holidays can make it difficult for those who are grieving to show their true feelings.
For all who may be grieving this holiday season, I offer these tips:
• Memories serve as constant reminders of loss. Watching others celebrate can be painful and overwhelming. Particularly in the first year after a death, you must learn to develop new holiday rituals and traditions.
• The first step in coping with grief at the holidays is to acknowledge that the holiday season is difficult. You can prepare for it by making specific plans and obtaining the support you need.
• Set realistic expectations for yourself. Remind yourself that this year is different. Decide what past responsibilities and expectations you can handle. You may want to opt out of most, or even all, celebrations.
• Don’t try to run away from your grief. Pain is partner to healing. There’s no point in trying to run from it. Accept it. It will gradually lessen. The pain is healing and grief is messy. One day you’ll be OK, or maybe even for only one hour, or even 10 minutes, the next minute, hour, or day you’ll be a mess. Grief isn’t something to be banished, it’s a human experience to be lived through.
“How do you bear it when you lose someone you love?” asks a character in a novel I just read. “You take a breath. Then you take another,” was the response. Sometimes, that’s all you can do. Take a breath.
It’s important to recognize that everyone has their own unique grief experience. No one way is right or wrong. It’s okay to laugh, to fill minutes of joy. Experiencing joy and laughter during a time of grief does not mean you’ve forgotten your loved one. It’s nothing to feel guilty about.
• Give yourself permission to not have a “perfect” holiday season. It is okay to change plans or opt out of activities.
• Plan ahead for the holidays before they arrive. What are some ways you could handle the celebrations so you can be honest about your loss? Create a new tradition or ritual that accommodates your current situation. Some people find comfort by honoring traditions, while others find them unbearably painful. Discuss with your family the activities you want to include or exclude this year.
• Surround yourself with people who love and support you. Share your plans with family and friends and let them know of changes in holiday routines. A grief support group can be helpful and I strongly encourage you to find one.
• Take care of yourself. Avoid using alcohol to self-medicate your mood. Try to avoid the hustle and bustle of the holiday season. Physical exercise helps cope with stress and loss. Nurture your soul by eating ice cream or junk food, or, creating art is especially therapeutic, paint, watch cartoons, curl up with a good book. Writing in a journal can be a good outlet for your grief. Listen to your favorite music.
• Find a way to honor your loved one, such as by sharing a story, lighting a candle, or creating a memory box. You can also create new traditions that feel right for you.
The most important thing to remember is there is no right or wrong way to celebrate the holiday season after the death of a loved one. The best coping mechanism for the first holiday season is to plan ahead, get support from others and take it easy.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.