By Barbara Pierce
The holidays are supposed to be a time of joy, of celebrating, cheerfully getting together with family and friends.
Generally, we’re supposed to feel happy.
Some years, that’s not easy for many of us. The holidays bring a lot more stress when we’re already on overload. Sometimes they bring sadness, memories of those we have lost. Or they might heighten our feelings of loneliness. Loved ones pass away, people get sick, money is tight, friends move away. It can be especially hard to feel joy this time of year.
If the holidays are feeling tough for you this year, Jim Davis, executive director of Samaritan Counseling Center of the Mohawk Valley, offers ways to help lessen the stress and pain of the holidays:
Make plans: “With all of the holiday activities and events going on, I suggest planning,” said Davis. “Make a to-do list and prioritize the tasks on it. Break what needs to be done into chunks to avoid feeling overwhelmed.”
Pace yourself.
It’s okay to say no: “Be selective about the activities you’re invited to. Limit your commitments,” he advised.
There are only so many activities you can go to; trying to do them all will become overwhelming. Prioritize the most important activities or schedule get-togethers for after the holidays. Learn to say no when you need to.
Set realistic expectations: “Remember it’s OK if things don’t go exactly as planned. Don’t aim for perfection,” he added and be OK with that.
Use a budget for gifts, food and activities to avoid financial stress,” he added.
If finances are a problem for you, turn down gift exchanges in favor of low-cost activities.
Giving to others is not about spending money. Offer to have someone over for a home-cooked meal or plan a coffee date. It’s not unreasonable to set spending limits or make homemade gifts if you can’t avoid a gift exchange. Sometimes personal gifts — like a poem, framed photo, homemade cookies — are the best ones.
Consider how much money you can comfortably spend and stick to the amount. If purchasing gifts for everyone is difficult, consider having a Secret Santa or White Elephant exchange to reduce the number of items everyone needs to buy. You can also simply let people know you are unable to give gifts this year.
Take time for yourself. “Exercise, read or simply take a moment to breathe. Do activities that are relaxing. Don’t forget hobbies,” Davis suggested.
Practice self-care. Schedule time for activities that recharge you, like reading, working out or spending time in nature. You can also try stress management techniques like meditation or deep breathing.
Get outside. Fresh air and sunlight can help you relax and improve your mood.
Avoid numbing yourself with alcohol or other drugs. They will impact your mood and will make the stress feel worse when the alcohol wears off.
Keep your perspective, Davis suggested. Remember the holidays are not about things; focus on connections instead of material things. Connect with loved ones.
Keeping your perspective during the holidays means staying focused on the true meaning and importance of the holiday season, avoiding getting caught up in the stress, materialism and pressures that can accompany it. Instead prioritize the positive aspects like spending time with loved ones and appreciating the moment.
Dealing with grief and loss: “Acknowledge your feelings,” he said. “It’s OK to feel sadness and or grief. It’s OK to have mixed emotions.”
Honor the memory of the person you’ve lost: Create new traditions. “Start a new tradition that honors your loved ones. A new tradition could be lighting a candle and sharing stories about a loved one,” he added.
There’s no way to replace the presence of a loved one who has passed away. But one way of coping is to honor their memory rather than mourn their absence. Find meaningful ways to remember your loved one, like creating a scrapbook or making a donation in their name or carrying on a tradition that the departed used.
If holiday celebrations don’t seem right for you at this time, you don’t need to force yourself to attend. Instead, connect with a support group, a therapist, a faith community or friends who understand. Sharing your emotions and feelings can help.
“The Good News Center in Utica offers a grief group run by volunteers,” said Davis. “Seek professional help if your grief becomes overwhelming.
“Remember the holidays may not feel the same and that it is OK to adjust your expectations. Focus on the moment. Focus on activities that bring you joy and help you stay grounded in the moment. It could be a walk in nature, reading a favorite book, watching a favorite movie or going for a car ride.”