Don’t feel guilty about saying no. You alone know what’s best for you. Stand firm and know that boundaries are essential to your emotional health
By Barbara Pierce
It’s one small two-letter word: No. This small word packs a lot of power in our lives if we learn how to use it.
Saying no keeps us sane. In an age of overload, a no gives us the space we need to live our lives the way we choose to.
The truth is, when we say yes to too many activities and responsibilities, we are, in essence, saying no to the people or priorities that mean so much to us, the things that should be first on our list of priorities.
“The word no is essential language,” said Dianne Stancato, CEO, YWCA Mohawk Valley. The YWCA provides domestic and sexual violence crisis services to Oneida County.
“The ability to comfortably and confidently say no at any time should always be present in any relationship,” she continued. “Open and honest communication is key to maintaining healthy boundaries, whether you are in a romantic relationship, platonic friendship or professional acquaintanceship. Everyone’s boundaries are different and each boundary deserves to be respected. Saying no is a clear communication of those boundaries.”
Saying no is a powerful skill that allows us to set boundaries, protect our time and energy and prioritize our well-being. However, many of us struggle with saying no. It’s one of the hardest words for many women. We want to be helpful, to please others. We’re good at putting others first. These are good traits to have, certainly. But sometimes a no is necessary.
Saying no is hard for many because setting and enforcing boundaries can be intimidating, according to Stancato. For example, in an unhealthy relationship, saying no can be a risk factor for violence. Saying no may make us feel guilty for hurting the other person’s feelings or fear that our partner will leave, she added.
Stancato offers these strategies to make it easier to say no:
“Disregard the urge to apologize,” she said.
You don’t have to start by saying “I’m sorry, but…” or justified in any way. You don’t owe anyone an explanation as to why you’re saying no. So don’t explain. Use as few words as possible.
The less you explain, give excuses and apologize the better. Say something like “Thank you so much for thinking of me, but this won’t work for me right now.” No further explanation is needed.
“Remember that saying no and setting boundaries doesn’t make you wrong or bad,” Stancato continued.
If the person you are saying no to becomes manipulative, punitive or abusive, don’t be afraid to do what is best for your safety.
Practicing setting boundaries and saying no in low- to no-risk situations makes it easier for us to start saying no to the higher-risk situations, she added.
It might help to make it easier to say no by saying something complimentary or disarming other experts suggest. One way to do that is by thanking people for thinking of you — which reassures them that they didn’t do anything wrong by asking. Then, follow-up with a short explanation: “I wish I could, but I just don’t have the time right now.” “Oh, it’s so good of you to ask me, but I’m sorry I just can’t.”
Leave yourself a way out, suggest other experts. When you are asked to do something, start by saying “I don’t know. I’ll have to think about it or I’ll have to check my calendar and get back to you” before you commit yourself. Buy time. That way you can think about the request and make the best decision for yourself. Plus, declining in a text is easier.
Adopt the broken-record technique. If someone won’t take no for answer, try the broken-record technique. Sticking to your answer — politely give the same answer again — usually after two or three times repeating yourself, even the most persistent people will get the message.
Don’t feel guilty about saying no. You alone know what’s best for you. Stand firm and know that boundaries are essential to your emotional health.
Saying no lets us say yes to the most important things in life, like spending time with our partner, our kids and our friends. And that’s what’s really important in life, isn’t it?
The YWCA of the Mohawk Valley is a certified provider of domestic and sexual violence crisis services, certified in residential and non-residential settings, Stancato said. All services are free and confidential. Domestic and sexual violence crisis services are available 24/7, 365 days a year, regardless of when the abuse occurred or if it was reported.
For general information, see ywcamv.org or call or text 315-797-7740 in Oneida County, 315-866-4120 in Herkimer County.