By Barbara Pierce
The tiny speck way up in the sky came closer, falling rapidly down to the ground. I watched in amazement as my grandson fell out of the sky, attached to a parachute.
This was how my grandson, Casey, celebrated his 18th birthday and high school graduation. Jumping out of a plane! Parachuting down to the ground; making a perfect landing with the help of his coach, fist in the air, making the thumbs up signal.
“Whatever made you want to jump out of a plane?” I asked him.
“I wanted to do something huge!” he said, beaming with pride. “I turned 18; I made it through high school; I had to do something really huge!”
“And my dad could never do anything like that,” he added. “Guess that makes me a better man than him.”
Yes, the dad issue. Always looming as a big issue for Casey — haunting him, like so many young men of his generation.
His dad, Robert, has been floundering all of Casey’s life. Soon after Casey was born, he was in a car accident. The doctor prescribed opioid pain killers. Robert was hooked. When the doctor said no more, he got them on the street; and has been in and out of jail for years.
Fifty-two-year-old Robert now lives with his mother in Ithaca. His dad finally had enough of bailing him out time and time again.
Robert’s life is an embarrassment to his son; a huge burden Casey has carried.
There are many men like Robert, addicted, unemployed, living with parents, killing themselves or lost in video games, porn, the alt-right.
Men are struggling; they are lost. They’re in a real crisis. The world has changed so significantly; it’s harder to be a man today.
Boys are growing up “dad deprived,” lacking an involved father. Most of the mass shooters are young men raised by a single mom. There is a direct correlation between boys who grow up without a father and boys who kill.
Boys who don’t have a strong relationship with their fathers lack a role model, a model of healthy masculinity. Both mother and father bring unique parenting styles. Mom-style parenting focuses on protecting the child and being sensitive to the child’s needs. The importance of the dad-style parenting is enforcing boundaries. From that, children learn to postpone gratification, to fulfill their dreams.
Dads love their kids differently. Dads help boys develop self-control, self-discipline and empathy toward others. How to deal with anger. Also, fathers tend to be tougher on boundary enforcement.
It’s not that single mothers can’t be great mothers. They can. But they can’t be fathers. A mother can tell a boy he is needed, but a boy sees himself in his dad. If his dad is involved, he feels inspired; if he is absent, he feels abandoned. He becomes vulnerable to being recruited by gangs or ISIS, vulnerable to sexual exploitation.
Dad-deprived boys. I believe that is a crisis. And I’m seriously concerned.
This hit home to me when I worked as a counselor in a moderately-secure juvenile detention facility a few years ago. A locked facility for teenage boys who violated the law, by assault, battery, stealing, fighting, etc.
The regime there was tough, led by strong males who set clear boundaries. Most of the boys responded well.
I noticed that when I met with families, there weren’t many dads involved. I did my own research on the 35 boys in the facility.
I was stunned by what I found. Of the 35 boys locked up, only two lived with a mother and father. Only two of the 35 boys had a stable family! 33 were dad-deprived. Many had no male influence at all in their life: no stepdad, no granddad, no uncle, no one to teach them how to be a man.
Boys need an adult male to teach them how to be a man. They are in serious trouble without this.
We are all in serious trouble as more and more mass murderers emerge each week.
If you are a parent, grandparent, aunt or uncle of a boy, there is something you can do. Help that boy in your life keep his dad in his life. Do all you can to support the relationship between son and father. Don’t be too quick to dismiss the father as one who can’t make a valuable contribution to his child. If that’s not possible, be a surrogate dad for him or find him one.
The gap between being dad-deprived and dad-enriched is the single biggest predictor of boys who are emotionally impoverished and emotionally enriched.
The good news is that some communities are devising creative ways to help make up for the absences of dads. Let’s do that in our community.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.