Remember Seinfeld, the TV show we all watched? Kramer made us laugh when he came, uninvited, into Jerry’s apartment, drank from the bottle of milk in Jerry’s refrigerator, walked out taking a shirt or something of Jerry’s.
We laughed, but, in real life, when people treat us like this, it isn’t a laughing matter.
We teach people how to treat us by what we allow or what we don’t allow — what we stop. If we allow someone to come into our home and take stuff, if we don’t stop them, this lets them think it’s OK and they will continue this behavior.
People like Kramer are all around us: the friend who often cancels out on us at the last minute, the boss who totally ignores our opinion, the partner who humiliates us or puts us down.
It happens to us all, regularly. We assume that they know that what they’re doing is not OK. Surely my friend knows it’s not OK with me when she cancels at the last minute. But does she? Maybe not. Maybe my partner is totally oblivious to the fact that I hate when he makes jokes at my expense.
But they can’t read my mind. I can’t make these assumptions.
People treat us the way we let them. We teach them how to treat us by the way we respond to the way they treat us. If we don’t respond, if we let them do it, this reinforces their behavior and increases the chances they’ll do it again. If we stop them, this decreases the chances they won’t repeat the behavior.
When it comes to people, what isn’t stopped tends to happen again. That’s the way humans are wired.
When people treat us in ways that are not OK with us, what can we do about it? We may be tempted to retaliate, do something to make them pay for what they’ve done, try to “one-up” them, help they feel the pain they’ve caused us.
But these tactics rarely work. They don’t correct the problem at all, maybe even make it worse. People generally don’t respond well to retaliation. Or being “taught a lesson.” Or being scolded for their behavior. They’re more likely to be bitter or resentful towards you.
What we can to is simply teach them a better way. In a pleasant manner, teaching them what we prefer. Or what we don’t want.
Their response may not happen quickly. The longer the pattern has been in place, the longer it will take to undo it. Accept that — don’t be discouraged if you don’t get immediate results.
Whether it’s desirable behavior or undesirable behavior, the behavior that’s reinforced is the behavior that’s likely to continue.
So don’t reinforce what you don’t want to continue. The best way to stop a behavioral pattern is by removing the reinforcement for the behavior.
For example, young children learn that they can get their way by throwing a temper tantrum. The parent wants the behavior to stop, so he promises the child a treat if they stop. The child stops. He gets a treat.
What the child has learned is that temper tantrums are a great way to get a treat.
The goal is to not reinforce this undesired behavior. Instead of rewarding the child for stopping the tantrum, we need to ignore the tantrum, remain calm, firm and resolute in our convictions. The child will soon learn that temper tantrums are terrible strategies for getting a reward and will stop using them.
This approach works because the change comes from the person who needs to change. It’s not dictated to them or forced upon them from the outside. That way, it’s more likely to continue.
So be diligent in reinforcing the behavior you want, not the behavior you don’t. You don’t need to talk about it like a scolding grade school teacher. Just withhold the reward. Don’t reinforce the behavior you want to stop.
And offer a lot of reinforcement when the person behaves the way you want them to.
For example, when I moved in with my boyfriend, I was surprised when he’d disappear at night. Then I’d hear him snoring in bed. I wanted him to say good night, let me know he was going to bed. His behavior wasn’t OK. I experimented. Every now and then, he’d give me a good night hug before he took off. I said “I love it when you give me a good night hug!” Those nights came more and more frequently. All it took was a little reinforcement on my part.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.