Finding a Shrink
By Barbara Pierce
“Maybe we should see someone,” suggested Donald, the man I live with. “A therapist? I’m not happy with the way my life is going. I just watch TV all day; you’re never here.”
I was stunned. I’m a retired therapist. How could he be suggesting we see a therapist? I should be keeping us both happy.
I thought about it. And came to the conclusion: “He’s right. How could he be happy with such a limited life? I’m not really happy either, if I’m honest with myself.”
We’d been living together for close to a year. Living in a new area, neither of us knew anyone when we moved in. I began doing activities to get to know other people. Donald chose not to come with me.
As he’s in the early stages of dementia, he avoids things that he finds too complex. He sits home and watches tennis on TV while I run around in my search to find a community of people. I had to admit that I wasn’t finding that and I really wasn’t happy either. I wasn’t depressed, but I wasn’t thriving. This isn’t the life I want, I admitted.
I decided couples counseling wasn’t the solution. Our relationship was working. We coped reasonably well with each other’s weirdnesses. It was just that neither of us were happy with our lives.
If you’re thinking about sharing your issues with someone, it’s most important to find the right therapist for you. Here’s how I looked:
I researched online. As I had been a licensed clinical social worker, I felt someone with this training and expertise would be best for me.
There are several categories of psychotherapists: LCSWs, licensed marriage and family counselors, psychologists. Anyone would have been OK, really. It’s more a matter of fitting with the individual doing the therapy. (Psychiatrists prescribe medication; they usually don’t do therapy. Life coaches don’t do therapy.)
Credentials are important. A credible mental health professional will be transparent about their training, licensure and areas of expertise.
Credentials and licensing were what I looked for, first of all. Next, I needed someone who took my insurance. As I have Medicare, they usually said this on their website. In the past, I had other insurance. I started with my insurance plan. Asked them who was on their list. And it’s important to know how much they’ll pay. Some plans cover a limited number of sessions.
Larger companies have an employee assistance program, free short-term counseling with a licensed therapist. It’s confidential; your employer won’t know you used the program.
I looked at how each therapist described their areas of expertise — how they worded what they offer. I avoided those with jargon-heavy language, like “inner-child work,” boundaries, unresolved trauma, etc. I wanted a person who could speak ordinary everyday language.
Their photo was important also. I trusted my gut to see if I would feel comfortable sharing with this person. Did they look open and accepting or judgmental and critical? Would I click with this person?
I read the reviews with much skepticism, of course.
I selected one who appeared to be what I was looking for. No, it isn’t a quick process, but it’s necessary. And it’s necessary to trust your gut instinct.
When we need help getting through a tough time, more and more of us are finding a therapist on social media. Social media platforms are filled with experts, offering their advice and attracting millions of people.
In addition to what I mentioned above, proceed with caution if you choose a ‘therapist’ you find on social media, say many experts. It can be difficult to know who is credible and whether their information is trustworthy.
Check their biographies. That’s where they specify whether they have credentials.
If you’re not seeing much information, search the person online. If they’re legitimate, they’ll come up on Psychology Today, LinkedIn or their own private practice website.
If they’re trying to sell you something, like online courses or books they’ve written, that may be a red flag. If their content keeps leading you back to what they’re selling, this means they’re more concerned about making you a customer than helping you get through a tough time in your life.
Getting back to my search, I clicked on “Schedule an appointment,” was asked to briefly describe my goals, what I was seeking from therapy. I had to think about that. And it was good for me to think it through. I decided on “I haven’t got the life I want to have.
And my partner is unhappy with me” or something basic like that.
I meet with the therapist I chose a few times. He helped me identify the four or five problems I was juggling. I set goals for each area and made several changes in my life. Life is better for both Donald and I.
That therapist turned to be great for me. But if you find the person you first choose isn’t working for you, you don’t click with them, try another.
Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.