Take Your Power Back From Your Inner Critic

By Barbara Pierce

Most of us have a voice that runs through our head.

It’s sort of a conversation with ourselves in our mind. It serves many purposes — gives us advice, helps us remember things, encourages us (or discourages us) in tough times, helps us think through difficult situations.

Sometimes it sounds like the advice our grandma gave us or a criticism from a harsh parent.

It can be our greatest supporter or our worst critic. It might say “You can get through this! You’ve gotten through a lot tougher things!” Or, it might say “You’re an idiot! You’ll never get this job — don’t even bother to apply.”

The thing is, for some of us, that inner voice tends to be more critical and negative than positive. It causes more harm than good. It feeds off of our insecurities and anxieties.

Or maybe it’s that we’re wired to notice the negative stuff more. The negative stuff may mess with our self-confidence, can cause us to become anxious or depressed, contributes to dementia, even ruins relationships.

Since everyone’s brain is different, there are a small group of people who don’t have this inner voice. Maybe they’re the lucky ones; they don’t hear those negative thoughts or the self-depreciating criticisms.

An inner voice that’s mostly negative can make us feel hopeless and helpless, because we can’t control the demoralizing thoughts brewing in our brains. However, there are things you can do about it. I like to think I do these things so that I can create an inner dialogue that’s mostly positive and encouraging.

First, become aware of your self-criticism. Acknowledge that it’s there. Maybe it even sounds like those harsh, critical people in your past — those comments that you never forget. Like for me, it’s my father saying in a cynical tone of voice: “You think you’re so smart, huh?” Or my mother saying “Why were you second in your class? You should’ve been first!” My father scared by a daughter smarter than him; my mother expecting her daughter to be even smarter.

Then, choose not to give those voices any credit. Drop them from your thoughts. Or, better yet, remember the facts. When I was leaving for college, my father said “No one  will ever want to marry you!” He was upset that I was leaving him to make my own life and said the most hurtful things he could think of. Of course, he wasn’t right.

Those voices from the past do stay with us. At the time, they made an impression on us because we were young children who couldn’t tell the difference between accurate statements and statements that were driven by the immaturity of the adults in our life.

When you catch yourself tearing yourself down with criticism, find the facts of the matter so that you can see the truth. For example, if you say to yourself, “That was sure a dumb thing I did,” acknowledge it and drop it. Maybe that wasn’t the most intelligent thing you’ve ever done, but you did do a lot of other things that worked out right for you.

Talk to yourself like you would a good friend. If your friend was saying the things you’re saying to yourself, how would you respond? I remember once when I said to a friend: “I just can’t do all these things I have to do!” she said “Yes, you can! You’ve done all kinds of hard things before and you’ve done them just fine. You can do this!”

Think about how you’ll feel down the road: tomorrow, next week, next year. Will this matter at all six months from now?

Reframe your situation as a challenge not a threat.  Reinterpret your situation not as a threat, but as a challenge you can handle.

Change the image in your head: Most of us think in images in our head, in addition to voices. And those images can have a lot of power. You can’t change what happened to you, but you can change the image if it keeps playing in your head. For example, the image of her stepfather coming into her bedroom kept playing in Kathy’s head. Every time that hateful image came into her head, she changed it. She made him into a tiny, Jiminy Cricket size and hit him; he finally disappeared for good.

Your negative inner voice can be very convincing, especially if it’s been around for a long time. However, you can quiet this voice or even channel it to create a useful inner dialogue. The key is to find what works for you.

A positive shift of your inner voice is a game changer. It’s like dropping the weight of a bag of garbage that you’ve been lugging around, holding onto because you’ve never questioned it. Maybe it’s
even beginning to smell. It’s time to drop it.


Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.Barbara Pierce is a retired licensed clinical social worker with many years of experience helping people. If you would like to purchase a copy of her book, “When You Come to the Edge: Aging” or if you have questions for her, contact her at barbarapierce06@yahoo.com.