By Gwenn Voelckers
Thanksgiving is around the corner, marking the beginning of the holiday season — a time filled with food, family, joy and sometimes stress.
For many, it’s also a time of adjustment to a new way of living, especially if you’re newly on your own after a divorce or the loss of a spouse.
Maybe this is your first holiday season solo and you’re discovering that the freedom to make your own choices is both exhilarating and overwhelming.
One of the most critical lessons I’ve learned on this journey is that living alone successfully requires more than just setting the table for yourself — it requires the strength to set boundaries and say “no, thank you” when necessary.
Why is it so hard to set boundaries?
Setting boundaries, especially around the holidays, can feel incredibly challenging. I can remember not wanting to disappoint others, feeling guilty for saying no or worrying that people would think I was selfish.
Setting boundaries isn’t about being selfish; it’s about being self-aware. By saying no to certain things, you’re saying yes to your peace of mind, your health and your happiness.
You’re establishing healthier relationships by communicating your needs clearly and honestly. You’re guarding your heart and building self-respect.
The truth is, boundaries allow us to show up more fully in the relationships and activities that matter most. Without them, we spread ourselves too thin, risking burnout and
resentment.
So, this Thanksgiving, along with the turkey and pumpkin pie, let’s serve up a healthy helping of self-care by learning how to say no when we need to.
Tip 1: Declining a party invitation
The first time I said no to a party invitation that I didn’t feel like attending, I felt an odd mixture of guilt and relief. It wasn’t that I didn’t like the people throwing the party — I did. But the truth was, I just didn’t have the steam to go.
Here’s how I handled it: “Thank you so much for inviting me! I really appreciate being included and love spending time with you. However, I’m going to have to pass this time. I’ve been feeling overwhelmed lately and need to take some ‘me time’ to recharge my batteries. I look forward to connecting with you when life slows down.”
By expressing gratitude for the invitation and suggesting a future connection, I was able to decline in a way that felt comfortable and respectful.
Tip 2: Saying no to a late-night request
Then there was the late-night request from a friend: “Can you pick me up from the airport?” The flight landed at 11:30 p.m. and while I used to be the kind of person who would bend over backward to help out, I realized that driving across town late at night was more than I was willing (or felt safe) to do.
My response? “I’d love to help, but I’m not comfortable driving that late in the evening. Can I help you find a taxi or ride-sharing service?” By offering an alternative solution, I was still helpful without sacrificing my own comfort and safety.
Tip 3: Handling an unwelcome advance
Boundaries don’t just come into play with friends and family.
Sometimes, they’re necessary with neighbors or acquaintances. Like when my widowed neighbor started showing up at my house unannounced, asking for my opinions on fall cleanup and other light-hearted matters.
It was innocent at first — friendly chats, small favors — but then it started to feel uncomfortable.
One afternoon, he asked if I’d like to go to dinner. It took me by surprise and I told him, “I’m very flattered. Let me think about it.”
I knew I wasn’t interested in taking the relationship further and needed to set a boundary.
After going over several scenarios in my head, I finally arrived at what I wanted to say. With a kind smile, I simply said, “I’m sorry but I have to decline your very nice offer to take me to dinner. I value our friendship too much to do anything that might disrupt what we have. You’re a great friend and I like things just the way they are! I hope you understand.”
Yes, I was nervous, but I managed to keep my voice friendly and calm.
Thankfully, he nodded “OK” with a smile and I felt enormous relief as well as pride for setting a very challenging boundary.
Tip 4: Opting out of gift exchanges
Holidays often come with traditions that no longer feel right, like gift exchanges.
A good friend and I had exchanged gifts every year for decades. But last year, I realized it was beginning to feel more like an obligation than a joyful tradition.
I approached her with honesty: “I’ve loved our gift exchanges over the years, but I’m trying to simplify things this holiday season. How about we skip the gifts this year and just do something fun together instead?”
She was relieved! As it turned out, she’d been feeling the same way but hadn’t known how to bring it up.
Tip 5: Saying no to hosting a guest
Lastly, there’s the ever-persistent request from friends or family to stay at your place when they’re in town. For some people, it’s no problem, but for others, hosting can be overwhelming, especially during the holidays when life is already hectic.
When a family member asked to “crash” at my place for several days, I had to be honest.
“I’d love to see you, but I’m not able to host this time around. This holiday season will be a busy one for me this year with band rehearsals and concerts. I know I’m going to need my own space to relax, practice my music and prepare for our upcoming performances. Let me help you find a nearby hotel.”
It’s important to protect your space and energy, especially when you’re still adjusting to living alone.
Encouragement for the season
As we head into the holiday season, I want to remind you — and myself — that setting boundaries is an act of self-love.
So, as you set the table this Thanksgiving, remember that you’re also setting the table for your own well-being. Say yes to what fills your heart and brings you joy and say no, thank you, to the things that drain you.
This holiday season, may you find peace, joy and the courage to prioritize yourself. Happy Thanksgiving!
Gwenn Voelckers is the author of “Alone and Content: Inspiring, empowering essays to help divorced and widowed women feel whole and complete on their own.” She welcomes your thoughts on this column as well as topic suggestion for future essays at gvoelckers@rochester.rr.com.